Friday, March 30, 2012

Saying Goodbye

The last few months have been a whirlwind.  In fact when I look back I can't even believe it is my life.  On February 24th my hero, my best friend my mother lost her battle with breast cancer.  I was with her when she took her last breath and it was by far the hardest moment of my entire life.

This picture was taken 6 days before she died and it was one of the best weekends.  I really thought we had more time, but God had other plans.  I miss her more and more everyday.  People keep telling me with time it will get easier but I don't believe them.  I live 635 miles away from parents so not seeing them every day is normal for me...what I struggle with is not talking to her.  I talked to her every single day and not hearing her voice is tearing me up inside. 

I was living in the wonderful land of denial until this past Thursday when it hit me that I would be heading back up to Ohio to visit my dad for Spring Break.  This will be the first time that I go home and I won't see my mom's beautiful smiling face waiting for me at the door or sitting on the front porch.  I will get there and the house will be empty.  My dad will be at work and my sisters will be at a birthday party.  I will get there and it will be just me and the kids to face probably the third hardest day of this whole thing.  I have a huge amount of anxiety and my stomach pains have returned because of it.  I would call my mom and tell her but she isn't here so I am going to blog about it...I don't know what else to do.

If I were a selfish person (which I am not) I would not go and wait a few more months, but I know my dad needs me.  In fact he called me yesterday to tell me how excited he was that we were coming.  I don't think he likes being in the house without my mom either so he is looking forward to the company.  I promised him I would make the cole slaw and cucumbers that mom always made.  She gave me her recipes last summer and I am so grateful to have those.  I think those were two of her most favorite things to make for my dad...well that and Boston Cream Pie...but I have no idea how to make that so he is out of luck. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

My New Hobby

About 3 years ago my mother in law bought me a sewing machine for Christmas. Then she took me shopping and she got me everything I would need to get started.  Only I never started!  I don't really know why other than I was very unorganized and always seemed to be too busy to actually get started.

Well last Friday I went on Etsy and found a few skirt patterns that said they were great for beginners.  I bought those patterns and then Maiya and I headed to the fabric store stores!  On my first attempt I messed up and cut the fabric in the wrong spot.  So I tried again and I have to say for my first time it wasn't too bad.  The pattern was easy and now I have actually made 3 skirts and I can definitely see improvements.  

I have now become addicted.  I am constantly on Etsy looking at patterns and I LOVE looking at fabric.  With a little girl who loves to dress up it will be a lot cheaper for me to make them then to buy them.  I usually spend anywhere from $1.50-$4.00 for enough fabric to make her skirt and I figure to make her a dress it would be between $4.00-$8.00 still way cheaper than buying these things in a store. 

By summer time my goal will be to have made her enough skirts, Capri's and dresses that the only thing I will have to buy her are shirts.  Then by the end of summer I want to have perfected the ruffle pants!  I love ruffle pants but I have heard they are a little difficult to make.

I will post some pictures soon.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Looking for Strength?

When you receive bad news after bad news after bad news how do you stay strong?  How do you keep the positive thoughts in and the negative out? 

Since the week before Christmas the bad news has been coming full force. Every week there is more and more bad news about my mom.  It started with a tumor in her brain, then they found six.  She starts radiation and week later she is doubled over in abdominal pain.  They run a CT and find a lesion on her ribs.  Then the pain intensifies and they finally decide to a full body scan and find several large tumors on her liver...they are spreading like wildfire and I don't understand any of it. 

My mom's cancer is now Stage 4, one year later from originally being diagnosed with breast cancer. They have given her only three months to live...two months have already passed.  I don't think about the time every day but it when it is late and I am missing her I can't help but go there.

On Friday, January 13th (yes Friday the 13th) my dad called me and I knew the news was not good.  He was crying and told me that mom had taken a turn for the worse and it was time for me to come home.  I can honestly say in that moment my whole life changed.  I couldn't think, breathe or move.  I panicked.  I absolutely panicked.  My mother in law was at my house within 5 minutes helping me pack and think of everything I needed to take with me.  It was so incredibly hard.

My mom did make it through that night and she is still hanging on and fighting hard.  I spent 2 weeks with her and it was the most wonderful and precious 2 weeks of my life.  My last night there she wanted to hold me, so I climbed in her bed and she held me...just like when I was a little girl!  I am headed back up there in a few weeks and I cannot wait.  I love my mom so much and she truly is the bravest person I know.

So how do you stay strong when you are faced with such sadness and heartbreak?  Well that is easy.  You look to God!  God is the only one who will get you through the hard times, because He will carry you when the load becomes to much to bear.  He will hold your hand and tell you He loves you!  He will remind you that your loved one has been hand picked to go and be with Jesus! God loves me and He loves my mom and when it is time He will take my mom in His loving arms and she will once again be reunited with her son and her mother.

I know my mom is in God's hands. I still pray every single day that He will make her His miracle.  I pray for His heeling hands to touch her and make her well.  I still want more time with her and I know that I have no control over any of it but whatever happens my faith will get me through it.  If you don't have faith what do you have?