Friday, March 30, 2012

Saying Goodbye

The last few months have been a whirlwind.  In fact when I look back I can't even believe it is my life.  On February 24th my hero, my best friend my mother lost her battle with breast cancer.  I was with her when she took her last breath and it was by far the hardest moment of my entire life.

This picture was taken 6 days before she died and it was one of the best weekends.  I really thought we had more time, but God had other plans.  I miss her more and more everyday.  People keep telling me with time it will get easier but I don't believe them.  I live 635 miles away from parents so not seeing them every day is normal for me...what I struggle with is not talking to her.  I talked to her every single day and not hearing her voice is tearing me up inside. 

I was living in the wonderful land of denial until this past Thursday when it hit me that I would be heading back up to Ohio to visit my dad for Spring Break.  This will be the first time that I go home and I won't see my mom's beautiful smiling face waiting for me at the door or sitting on the front porch.  I will get there and the house will be empty.  My dad will be at work and my sisters will be at a birthday party.  I will get there and it will be just me and the kids to face probably the third hardest day of this whole thing.  I have a huge amount of anxiety and my stomach pains have returned because of it.  I would call my mom and tell her but she isn't here so I am going to blog about it...I don't know what else to do.

If I were a selfish person (which I am not) I would not go and wait a few more months, but I know my dad needs me.  In fact he called me yesterday to tell me how excited he was that we were coming.  I don't think he likes being in the house without my mom either so he is looking forward to the company.  I promised him I would make the cole slaw and cucumbers that mom always made.  She gave me her recipes last summer and I am so grateful to have those.  I think those were two of her most favorite things to make for my dad...well that and Boston Cream Pie...but I have no idea how to make that so he is out of luck. 


Marie said...

Oh Janelle,
I think of you often. Losing a parent is so incredibly hard. Here I am 8 years later and I was just getting on to write a post about my dad. Tomorrow will be 8 years since he lost his battle. Over time the pain will lessen, you'll smile more when thinking about past memories, and a peace will come into your heart. I promise you friend. I promise. If you ever need to talk to someone know you can call or email me.