Monday, February 6, 2012

Looking for Strength?

When you receive bad news after bad news after bad news how do you stay strong?  How do you keep the positive thoughts in and the negative out? 

Since the week before Christmas the bad news has been coming full force. Every week there is more and more bad news about my mom.  It started with a tumor in her brain, then they found six.  She starts radiation and week later she is doubled over in abdominal pain.  They run a CT and find a lesion on her ribs.  Then the pain intensifies and they finally decide to a full body scan and find several large tumors on her liver...they are spreading like wildfire and I don't understand any of it. 

My mom's cancer is now Stage 4, one year later from originally being diagnosed with breast cancer. They have given her only three months to live...two months have already passed.  I don't think about the time every day but it when it is late and I am missing her I can't help but go there.

On Friday, January 13th (yes Friday the 13th) my dad called me and I knew the news was not good.  He was crying and told me that mom had taken a turn for the worse and it was time for me to come home.  I can honestly say in that moment my whole life changed.  I couldn't think, breathe or move.  I panicked.  I absolutely panicked.  My mother in law was at my house within 5 minutes helping me pack and think of everything I needed to take with me.  It was so incredibly hard.

My mom did make it through that night and she is still hanging on and fighting hard.  I spent 2 weeks with her and it was the most wonderful and precious 2 weeks of my life.  My last night there she wanted to hold me, so I climbed in her bed and she held me...just like when I was a little girl!  I am headed back up there in a few weeks and I cannot wait.  I love my mom so much and she truly is the bravest person I know.

So how do you stay strong when you are faced with such sadness and heartbreak?  Well that is easy.  You look to God!  God is the only one who will get you through the hard times, because He will carry you when the load becomes to much to bear.  He will hold your hand and tell you He loves you!  He will remind you that your loved one has been hand picked to go and be with Jesus! God loves me and He loves my mom and when it is time He will take my mom in His loving arms and she will once again be reunited with her son and her mother.

I know my mom is in God's hands. I still pray every single day that He will make her His miracle.  I pray for His heeling hands to touch her and make her well.  I still want more time with her and I know that I have no control over any of it but whatever happens my faith will get me through it.  If you don't have faith what do you have? 


Marie said...

That was beautiful. God is so good and your faith is amazing. He is hearing your prayers and will be with you through this. Your mom is a fighter and I'm praying with you.